Insomnia round 2345

Here I am at 8 am and I haven't been to bed yet. I've tried. I really have. I've also done data entry, written, and edited.

Sigh

It's not like I'm not sleeping. I slept half the day yesterday, sleeping off the dizziness and quease, the swollen lymph nodes and the bad kidneys. I know it's a vicious cycle. sleep from 1-6 during the day, don't sleep at night... But if that's when my body lets me, I have to sleep sometime, right?

I just want to get back to normal, where the dark and quiet don't seem to be triggers for doubt and self-deprecation and worry

ah sleep, how I miss you

somehow my schedule is all wonky. Part of it is my hormonal insomnia, which I have come to know and loathe. Part of it seems to be how behind I am. I can't fall asleep until I'm absolutely exhausted, which is happening at like, noon...

I made it to sleep around 8 am, and the puppies woke me at 9:05

I'm waiting for someone else to get up to watch them before I go back to bed. They're old enough now to be on their own, mostly, but they do still get bored and chew...

blinks slow. twenty minutes it's taken me to write this much.

I desperately want to go back to bed. Ponders luring the puppies in with biscuits and holding them down until they sleep

Okay, they're napping now, but dare I fall asleep at this point? hello? is anyone alive, or have zombies eaten everyone but me and the dogs?

the definition of irony

is when a bunch of people have something done to them that they've demanded to have happen to someone else, and then they bitch about it. Right or wrong (on the having done to them, not on the demanding it done, which was wrong to start with) it still makes me laugh hysterically, which is probably bad for my karma, but then, I believe in toxic design. If you're intent on making other people miserable? Don't piss and moan when it happens to you.

/me goes to pet the basset hounds. There is nothing toxic in the design of a dog

recovering etc

so, what I thought was gouty stuff was some kind of virus. Thank god, because once I got over it, I started to regain my sense of humor. Oh, I'm still irritable as hell, thanks to ye old smoking withdrawal, but that's more a what do I do with my hands/when I want to go away and have a break thing, now.

Grins. My mantra today is, "Same old assholes, same old ax being ground. It just doesn't matter." because it doesn't. ;)

lalala

my joints still hurt some.

and I'm telling you, some days I want to smack people ;)

I know I'm being cryptic

mainly my worries are health related. All of this new eating plan, exercise shit I've been doing, all of the quitting smoking etc, is supposed to make me fell better. Instead I have new allergies, new sensitivities and what appears to be episodes of gout. If it's not gout, it sure does look like it. Swollen, hot joints, low grade fever, kidney aches, severely swollen lymph nodes...


Sighs.

I know there are worse things out there. Hell, I live with someone who has had the most painful non-fatal disease known to man. And every time I get weepy I tell myself to shut the fuck up, that I could be in a damp jail cell in some third world country waiting to die or some shit.

Okay

I'm bored now. Yeah. I feel better thanks to Aleve and pineapple, of all things. Not to mention judicious application of Weird Al. The Alternative Polka makes me cackle. It improves my mood vastly, makes me wonder why I'm being a butthead.

Woo. Go weird Al and walking the bassets

melodrama

So, I dreamed last night that I was strapped to a table in a hospital or a lab, and there were all these faceless people picking at my skin with razor blades and scalpels.

Drama llama much?

I'm trying very hard to pull my socks up and get over myself, but it seems really hard this time.

I wish I had something better to say. Yesterday was hard.

I'm just going to have to trust that it gets better than this.

okay, I quit

I've had it. I can't hack it anymore.

Any of it.

I mean, logically I know that nicotine withdrawal makes me a little crazed; as the neural stimulator/pleasure center effects of nicotine are withdrawn, the body feels depressed and deprived, kind of like the crash from a really good chocolate endorphin rush, only multiplied by eight or nine or five million zillion...

Logic doesn't enter into it when you've just given up the last thing that gave you any illicit pleasure. I've given up Diet Coke, sugar, fast food, pizza, big restaurant meals, and Snickers bars. I've discovered that I'm allergic to cashews and peanuts, and that my sugars stubbornly resist coming down past 300 unless I give up even more, like, oh, bread.

I'm so tired, I just want to crawl off somewhere and die. I'm completely overwhelmed, and I can't even blame that on someone else.

And today, thanks to the nicotine withdrawal, I can't stop crying hysterically, which means people in the house are avoiding me like the plague

I've had it.

I'm just going to run away to some cave and become a hermit