Thursday, September 27, 2007

another deadline missed, but it's done

and other things

today is natural disaster day on sci fi. New York city gets destroyed a lot...

I want a hamburger. I do not want to go get it. sighs

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

sick as a dog yesterday

today looks better so far

I'm still way behind and not hitting all of my deadlines, but all the data entry is done, my sugars are no longer exceeding the limit of my meter (you gotta hate it when that little screen reads "Hi") I did 3000 words yesterday. I'm not as queasy, and I have bullriding to look forward to this sunday...

There are things I need to address and I haven't. There are a ton of things I need to do. But I'm just glad that I feel better, and I'm taking it slow.

Some days I feel like I ought to apologize to the people who have known me a long while for being happy. It seems like the happier I am with life right now, the less they like me. My father, for instance, thinks Texas has made me low class and somehow, even though I'm no different than I always was, that it has changed me. I mean, he objects to the fact that I like Tim McGraw, for instance, and that hasn't changed in years, I've just gotten to go see the man more. He objects to flip flops, thinking they're kind of horrifying, and he maintains that I never wore them before. Well, in Colorado you get maybe 3 months to wear flip flops ;) I would like to point out, however, that ten years ago when I moved to CO, I was wearing Birk clogs with no socks in the winter, which is a very similar thing...

I know there are folks out there who object to me liking bullriding and rodeo. Not my dad, mind you, as he loves that, but for whatever reason, whether they erroneously assume it's animal cruelty (the only animal I've ever seen get hurt at a bull riding event? The cowboy) or whether they think it's a sport I only watch for the violence, I've had people tell me they think less of me for it.

Shrugs. Like I told my brother last night, when he was worrying about whether he'd done the right thing, quitting the part time job that had strung him along for 7 years with no promotion; there comes a time when you have to stop apologizing and stop blaming yourself and just say you've done the best you could. Sometimes it just is what it is.

So, you know, even though sometimes I feel like I ought to apologize, I'm not gonna. For the last ten years I've dealt with family members dying (from my namesake aunt to my dear friend's father to my mother), with roommates who offed themselves or who left me in the lurch just after I bought a house, with jobs that I hated and that gave me ulcers and with living where all of my friends seemed destined to leave, where I was so isolated that I kinda forgot how to interact with people and where someone touching me made me flinch.

So yeah. Apologizing for doing what I love with family and friends who love me?

So not gonna happen

Saturday, September 22, 2007

stuff of joy

chocolate chp cookies and japanese steak houses

new guidebooks

halloween crafts

penguin needlepoints

borrowed dogs

really bad horror novels

Anthony Bourdain books

Shaun of the Dead

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I need a dog

I was napping at the bird family's house today, and the Shadow puppy sneaked in and gave me a cuddle pounce, napping with me happily, curled up nose to tail against my hip

It's amazing, how lately I haven't been sleeping for shit. When I lie down, my mind races with all of the things I need to to, all of the things I'm behind on, how I want to rearrange my house

When that silly shepardoodle came in and put his nose on my leg, though, I just knew it would all be all right, and that I could make it through.

Yeah. I definitely need one of my own...

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


tired of writing. I've done 8000 words in 2 days while keeping up with the day job.

tired of negotiating. I'm not one who sees everything as a challenge, as something to be dissected, and my momma always told me life wasn't fair. The expectation that all things have to be argued instead of accepted exhausts me. And someone looking at me and saying, "You can't expect me to do blah" makes my head explode. Why not, when whoever you are, you expect me to drop everything to do for you...

tired of the assumption that I don't work. I may always be behind, and I may be scattered, but I work harder than I play, believe it or not

on the good side, we've had a couple of fun food days, and I have trent and tim to look froward to... not to mention cowboys. O.O

Justin won his *8th* event, and Fox fucked up and didn't show it when they were supposed to, and I MISSED IT. *pouts mightily*

Friday, September 7, 2007

asking for help and other nightmares

I'm not given to asking for help.

I don't like it, not because I think it weakens me, but because I just hate dealing with people and would rather look shit up myself/do it myself/not bother someone.

Last night I finally gave in and asked for help.

I'd like to say that it eased my mind, but it didn't.

I tossed and turned all night and couldn't sleep.

I know what I need to do. And I started on the path to doing it. But it scares me silly.

On the other side, I also reached out a little, admitting that I've been losing touch with someone, which felt good. That wasn't what kept me awake ;)

I'm not good at going outside my comfort zone, which I know seems odd, considering.

In other news, I want a KitchenAid mixer...

Monday, September 3, 2007


and here we thought we never rated a mention. Check out the redneck fairies