cramping like a mad thing

crazy hormonal

Christmas was grand, though, and I am starting to make inroads on cleaning things up, literally and figuratively

still knitting. this is a kind of triumph for me, as I am the queen of starting and not finishing things. I have managed to finish kind of an astonishing number of things.

Woo

tired now

night

it's that day again

yep. My mom's birthday. I still miss her every day.

This year I want to remember the good things.

She loved german chocolate cake and would pout if she didn't get the cherry

she always wanted to wait to decorate for Christmas until the 18th, just so she could have her birthday. Blair and I still feel a little guilty when we put stuff up earlier

I got her a flannel shirt every year. Blue and green, red and black, obscene green with yellow stripes. She loved her flannel shirts, and was actually tickled every year when she could break them out of the closet

she would sit and whittle for hours, More cigarette dangling out of her mouth, the dog at her feet. I still smile when I think of it

she loved ridiculous movies of the week, spy novels, horror books and Twinkies

she could take a piece of wood and know what it wanted to be, then carve it into that thing

she told stories with love, the same way every time, no extra embellishment. she was very much an oral historian, and I miss her voice and her face

I love you mom. Happy birthday

gratitude and maybe a lesson

so over on LJ I'm seeing someone scoffing at what some folks think is good holiday fun

I thought, jeez, how frickin' judgmental. Good lesson on how to be less so myself ;)

today I am grateful for:

big Christmas light displays

even bigger christmas light displays

christmas knitting is done

I can wait on the story and do it right

candy

stretches

still having tummy woes

fixing to start doing eliminations to see what's going on. Talked to dad, who reminded me that he and both his sisters have/had lactose intolerance. The symptoms very well could be that. We'll see

Man, I need to just... get over myself

today I'm grateful for:

clean sheets

cleaning out emails

soft TP

sauce

glow-y trees

a little down

thanks to the body doing some sort of autoimmune thing. Things have been so much better that when something blindsides me like this, I get growly. I don't want to do a damned elimination diet, you know? I wish I could blame it on cross-contamination with peanuts, but this is looking way more like milk or wheat...

Sighs. I know, it's good for my health to know this stuff. I know I'm healthier and happier. But every so often, I resent giving up everything that's remotely naughty.

Am I sounding like a broken record?

It's hot. We have another norther coming through this afternoon, which is good, as I'm just sweaty and gross

however

I am grateful for

my purple hair back

the pictures we bought in Cheyenne

bassets who want to play with the christmas tree

that said bassets are now sleeping

soy milk

it's starting to look like Christmas

the house has lots of trees. A pink mini tree. A silver mini tree with purple balls. A wee green tree with bright lights. And a 6 foot white tree that has the most amazing GLOW.

there's a light up penguin and a light up tree, and a bunch of fun lights still waiting to go up.

we'll break all sorts of breakers ;)

today I am grateful for:

mushrooms and polenta

Buffy marathons

felting yarn

Christmas lights

iced tea

I missed yesterday again

can we have bi-daily gratitude?

grins

I got up at 8, after going to bed at 3. Since the going to bed at 3 is my own fault, I am not terribly bitchy that the babies woke me at 8, as they used to wake up at 6, and insist I get up, too. I have high hopes that someday they will be like Shadow and Lil, and allow us to sleep in if we get t0o bed late late

so, for mostly yesterday, I am grateful for:

Shawn's pie

Shawn reminding me that my foul mood last night was probably due to my sugars (dadburn it, I liked that pie, and I need a new battery in my glucometer)

knitted dishtowels

sleeping puppies

the edit of doom is done, and the books are up, so I can relax a bit today and clean house

today has been wet

at least in the garage

we hope it's fixed

so, in that vein, I'm grateful for:

vise grips

learning to make a Spanish tortilla and having a taste of Spain at home

howling hounds

naps

the pit bull, who thought my Spanish tortilla was the best thing since bacon

today is early yet

but i'm willing to go on a little faith

so

what I'm grateful for today:

making decisions

big. blue ribbon yarn

new fridges

long term plans of joy

christmas packages ready to go out

missed yesterday again

wait. can you miss yesterday again? You can only miss a day once...

Had great fun running errands yesterday. We bought tamales and spices, went to the Whole Foods to get chocolate and had the spiciest calzone ever, and went with S to her Dr. appt. She's good. Real good. Yay

Things I'm grateful for today

S looks good she feels fine

lattes

trying hard to get rid of the people who are great sucking holes of negativity in my life

cowboy line drawings

the shepherd dog of "why are you crying, I love you, love me back, hello!"

mood slowly improving

so for today?

I am grateful for

turkey soup

shawn's good mood

the red white and blue knitting

sleep

Yoda

missed yesterday

which is okay. I was in no place for gratitude. I was in a MOOD, and I can only blame part of it on hormones.

This morning has not started much better. I was awakened at 6:30 by growly, grumpy puppies, a ferociously sore from the cold pit bull (who, since I have been chastised roundly for apparently abusing her or something, I am no longer disciplining, period) and I have burst into tears for no reason twice.

I am trying very hard to be grateful for something, because I have no reason not to be. I'm alive, I have a job, I have enough yarn to knit a bomb shelter if the apocalypse comes, and I'm done with the edit from you know where.

Ponders. Nope. Still in a foul mood.

Maybe by tonight I'll be able to get past it and be grateful girl.

the day after

ugh

I'm still a zombie from all of the food

so, what am I grateful for today? (this is supposed to be good for my health, btw)

the way the couch cushion fits my Sadie's body so she can sleep way up there

Hell's Kitchen marathons

old wives' tales told by gigantic black ladies named Jessie Mae (rest easy, Jessie Mae. You will be missed. Tell my mom hi and dig some good baits for her)

the pink and brown shawl of look at me do increases

Happy Thanksgiving!

today I'm thankful for:

my dad

organic, raw sugar

good friends and chosen family

pomegranate green tea

really soft knit pants

This message brought to you by tryptophan, brown and serve rolls, and gluten free pie crust

water crystals and shit

yeah, so I'm kind of a skeptic

especially after having a screaming fight with my brother last night over what can only be flat out bigotry...

still.

today I am grateful for...

the redhead offering to break kneecaps on my behalf without qualification

fuzzy yarn

basset hounds

fall weather

good coffee

ta da!

okay, it made me smile, which is good, huh?

oh, and harry connick Jr. (yum)

home home

back from the trip. Rome rocked. South of Spain was awesome. Loved Sint Maarten.

I have film to develop (my film camera is way smaller than my digital) and stories to share, but I just want to revel in home.

the dogs, the house, my bed

yeah

home

metaphysics at 10 am before coffee

There is no charmed circle. There are only two points, which means we're a straight line. However, if we run around in circles, we can be a sphere...

for all the knitters out there

Knit your Bit for Veterans

I'm probably not good enough to make that scarf pattern yet, but I am good enough to make the Knit Your Bitty Bit squares, which are pretty simple. I definitely know I can crochet a fine scarf, though, so it's something to think on ;)

cell phone cozy

shawn learned how to do a basic stockinette stitch! She made me a cell phone cozy. The pic is a little blurry, but that's my bad.

good and bad

good - cold front

bad - sore joints

good - skinny knitted scarf is now 9 inches long

bad - not anywhere close to meeting my writing deadline

good - 3000 words today

bad - puppies think yarn is chew toy

good - watching Sadie try to trade me her chicken toy for said yarn

huh

we end with good ;)

okay, lest y'all think life is all bad

It's not.

I've always been a frustration blogger. Back before weblogs, I kept paper diaries, filled with you done me wrong rambles, from pre-teen to college. I tend not to post about the good things, because when I'm happy I have no need to vent, right?

Still, it makes me a little uncomfortable to read my own damned blog sometimes, because really, I come off as the kind of unhappy harpy that I accuse other folks of being...

Unhappy harpy makes a great sound when spoken aloud. Say it 3 times fast...

So, what all is good today?

Had lunch with Myc, had a nap, some arepas, snuggling with bassets, went to the craft store and bought amazing yarn, got some word count in.

to quote a reall bad Kevin Costner movie...

Where does this intolerable hatred of me come from? Did I wrong you in another life?

Of course, unlike the bastard Will Scarlet to the American accented Robin Hood, I have to no relationship with the hater, real or imagined. Well, at least not in my life. Apparently in their world, me and mine represent all that it is evil, engendering a loathing so fierce that when people are ready to let it slide back into the muddy stinkhole from which it emerged, they have to stir it up again. It's the same old song, every time, which is not only untrue, it creates a vicious cycle, where if you publicly contest it, you're a defensive liar, and if you say nothing, well then, they must be right, right?

So, sometimes I have to look at the two people at whom even the worst of our detractors are starting to look and tilt their heads and say, huh, how come it's always the same people and the same story? I don't know you. If I did, I wouldn't have the time of day for you, as you're obviously terribly unhappy. As far as I know, I didn't even know you back in the day before all this started. So, um, how can you hate me?

Most days I can let it go. Most days I do, because y'all have no idea how much we have to deal with every day. Today it's harder, because I'm reminded that it's not just the haters that buy into the downright bullshit. It's people I know, people I have broken bread with, people who have done more harm trying to "help" than they can ever know. That's when it's the toughest to let it go, when it all piles on top of that one person who ought to know better.

I'm trying hard to find positive, and right now that positive is that despite the assholes, despite the sucktastic economy, and despite the people who claim we never show any growth, I'm paying more authors more money than any previous quarter, we're getting reviews from places like the ALA newsletter and we're hiring more editors and proofers to improve all the time.

*puts on a Halloween movie and sits down to write* time to get back to work

a case of unrelenting improvement

went to bed at midnight last night. Puppies got me up at 6:30

oh, y'all. Six and a half hours of uninterrupted sleep.

You have no idea. The period she is almost over, which I'm sure helps, and I only napped for an hour and a half yesterday, trying to wear myself out. Dude. I also found something guaranteed to make me sleep...

Knitting

We went to a class last night, ostensibly to meet people, as this was sort of a cool, tattoo-loving rockabilly craft shop called Craft-O-Rama. I had never tried knitting, S has with little success.

well, the shop was cool, the instructor nice, if 15 years younger than us, but we were the only two who showed, so... so much for meeting people.

S had no more luck than before. She kept adding stitches as she turned, which I think is a product of bein left handed. Any lefties out there who can help her? I did okay, if not pretty work, and I admit, I don't love it like I do crochet or X stitch. But man, it puts me RIGHT to sleep. Who in hell needs antidepressants or sleeping pills when they can knit. Knit one, perl...zzzzzzzzz

Man, Sadie is deep throating her rawhide. Gag

grins. man, it's just amazing to have slept...

Insomnia round 2345

Here I am at 8 am and I haven't been to bed yet. I've tried. I really have. I've also done data entry, written, and edited.

Sigh

It's not like I'm not sleeping. I slept half the day yesterday, sleeping off the dizziness and quease, the swollen lymph nodes and the bad kidneys. I know it's a vicious cycle. sleep from 1-6 during the day, don't sleep at night... But if that's when my body lets me, I have to sleep sometime, right?

I just want to get back to normal, where the dark and quiet don't seem to be triggers for doubt and self-deprecation and worry

ah sleep, how I miss you

somehow my schedule is all wonky. Part of it is my hormonal insomnia, which I have come to know and loathe. Part of it seems to be how behind I am. I can't fall asleep until I'm absolutely exhausted, which is happening at like, noon...

I made it to sleep around 8 am, and the puppies woke me at 9:05

I'm waiting for someone else to get up to watch them before I go back to bed. They're old enough now to be on their own, mostly, but they do still get bored and chew...

blinks slow. twenty minutes it's taken me to write this much.

I desperately want to go back to bed. Ponders luring the puppies in with biscuits and holding them down until they sleep

Okay, they're napping now, but dare I fall asleep at this point? hello? is anyone alive, or have zombies eaten everyone but me and the dogs?

the definition of irony

is when a bunch of people have something done to them that they've demanded to have happen to someone else, and then they bitch about it. Right or wrong (on the having done to them, not on the demanding it done, which was wrong to start with) it still makes me laugh hysterically, which is probably bad for my karma, but then, I believe in toxic design. If you're intent on making other people miserable? Don't piss and moan when it happens to you.

/me goes to pet the basset hounds. There is nothing toxic in the design of a dog

recovering etc

so, what I thought was gouty stuff was some kind of virus. Thank god, because once I got over it, I started to regain my sense of humor. Oh, I'm still irritable as hell, thanks to ye old smoking withdrawal, but that's more a what do I do with my hands/when I want to go away and have a break thing, now.

Grins. My mantra today is, "Same old assholes, same old ax being ground. It just doesn't matter." because it doesn't. ;)

lalala

my joints still hurt some.

and I'm telling you, some days I want to smack people ;)

I know I'm being cryptic

mainly my worries are health related. All of this new eating plan, exercise shit I've been doing, all of the quitting smoking etc, is supposed to make me fell better. Instead I have new allergies, new sensitivities and what appears to be episodes of gout. If it's not gout, it sure does look like it. Swollen, hot joints, low grade fever, kidney aches, severely swollen lymph nodes...


Sighs.

I know there are worse things out there. Hell, I live with someone who has had the most painful non-fatal disease known to man. And every time I get weepy I tell myself to shut the fuck up, that I could be in a damp jail cell in some third world country waiting to die or some shit.

Okay

I'm bored now. Yeah. I feel better thanks to Aleve and pineapple, of all things. Not to mention judicious application of Weird Al. The Alternative Polka makes me cackle. It improves my mood vastly, makes me wonder why I'm being a butthead.

Woo. Go weird Al and walking the bassets

melodrama

So, I dreamed last night that I was strapped to a table in a hospital or a lab, and there were all these faceless people picking at my skin with razor blades and scalpels.

Drama llama much?

I'm trying very hard to pull my socks up and get over myself, but it seems really hard this time.

I wish I had something better to say. Yesterday was hard.

I'm just going to have to trust that it gets better than this.

okay, I quit

I've had it. I can't hack it anymore.

Any of it.

I mean, logically I know that nicotine withdrawal makes me a little crazed; as the neural stimulator/pleasure center effects of nicotine are withdrawn, the body feels depressed and deprived, kind of like the crash from a really good chocolate endorphin rush, only multiplied by eight or nine or five million zillion...

Logic doesn't enter into it when you've just given up the last thing that gave you any illicit pleasure. I've given up Diet Coke, sugar, fast food, pizza, big restaurant meals, and Snickers bars. I've discovered that I'm allergic to cashews and peanuts, and that my sugars stubbornly resist coming down past 300 unless I give up even more, like, oh, bread.

I'm so tired, I just want to crawl off somewhere and die. I'm completely overwhelmed, and I can't even blame that on someone else.

And today, thanks to the nicotine withdrawal, I can't stop crying hysterically, which means people in the house are avoiding me like the plague

I've had it.

I'm just going to run away to some cave and become a hermit

more fun with food, and other things

Well.

It's been a fun month or two with food, huh? Eating every two hours, fighting off the invisible ingredients in all manner of things. Do you have any idea how many things have high fructose corn syrup in them? What's worst for me is that now that I'm not eating all sorts of things, I'm developing weird sensitivities when they do sneak in. And some are not so sneaky. Like my sudden allergy to cashews.

Yep. Never bothered me until I ate the unroasted ones the other night. Man, they gave me the worst case of hives. Now if I come in contact with them? Boom. Hives. Snotty nose. I swear, it's enough to make you scream.

The dry roasted peanuts we usually buy? Have dried corn syrup in them. In the allergy info? May contain traces (which means they have found measurable traces) of wheat, milk, eggs, soy, cashews and pistachios.

Big, ugly jar of death

Sighs

non-food related post

It's hard not to post about the adventures with food. There are so many right now as we tweak the diet, and we're discovering amazing things, good and bad

Still, there are other things going on, right? Dad has been cleared to drive and to travel, so his sternum is mostly healed. The heart doctor is amazed and pleased by his progress, so yay! His friend left yesterday, and he's planning his next trip to MN in a few weeks (3 to 4). Go him.

Ponders

work is crazy

I should post this, as it's been sitting as a drfat for weeks

adventures in food shopping

where is all the Chinese hot mustard? especially gluten free?

However, we did get some lovely peaches, some zucchini, summer squash, onions and black eyed peas and green beans at the farmer's market. The peaches are yummy

So are macaroons in a can. Jennie's Macaroons come in a can, and they're gluten and dairy free. They're kind of amazing.

Had a yummy breakfast taco at the Central Market, which is like a Whole Foods. There was soy yogurt (o.O) and more gluten free pretzels and all manner of fun stuff, but the best part was going to the local grocery and having the deli folks be incredibly nice when we got meat and asked them to wipe down the machine, just in case... They were very, very cool

okay, I give up. Off to bed

the ups and downs

the new diabetes diet has its ups and downs

Up? We're not hardly eating out at all, and even though the grocery bill has gone up, we're saving money. Before, we were buying groceries and tossing half of them, because we would get in a hurry and order chinese or pizza, or go get hamburgers

Down? Trying to come up with something to eat every two hours. Not a problem, you say? You used to eat every five minutes. Well, yeah, but chips and dip and Snickers are not an option now ;)

Up? I'm rarely hungry. I mean, by the time I eat again, I'm ready, but I don't have those gnawing, your body is killing itself hungry times

Down? I rarely have that wonderful feeling of anticipation for food. Like the excitement of trying a new restaurant, or going out to have that special birthday meal

Up? My sugars are down nearly 400 points in 3 weeks, without drugs or insulin

Down? I really want a Snickers

Now, lest you think the downs outweigh the ups, let me tell you about arepas. Venezuelan corn cakes, fluffy on the inside, crunchy on the outside. There's rice flour tempura, with veggies and tofu, where the tofu actually tastes good. Light and fluffy and crunchy.

tonight was a chicken salad mediterraean, with olives and artichoke hearts and veggies and a little goat cheese for me (not dairy free girl) . It was yummy.

In other news, I still think most people suck. I'm sick to death of criticisms that are about axe grinding and not about anything real. I know, I know, when it comes from the same three or four people, even people who know nothing about the situation have to wonder what their deal is, but it's still hard to see, day in and day out, especially when most of these people wouldn't know me if I whacked them with one of our books out in the street (which is tempting).

Bah. I need to just go work and shut up. I'm grumpy and tired

dying

really. this is the second month where my female business has hit so hard that I would just as soon die as do anything. Luckily, this month I'm not on a plane, but I'm pretty miserable.

I need to get with the promo. Been falling down on that all over. Really, everyone needs to get with the promo. Been a slow month so far

The protein drink for breakfast? foul. I need to add some agave syrup next time. Yeesh. The problem is that it really is the best way for me to get protein early in the day without having an egg. The chocolate is better than the berry, but wow.

/me makes note to have S ask doctor what to do for 38 year old hormones and cramps;)

update on dad

he's doing well. The PT lady had him walk a whole block outside yesterday, which was kind of stressful, as it's hot hot, but they're working toward getting him to the mailboxes and back, so yay. His very good friend B comes in today, so he'll be very happy for at least 10 days. Yay.

axe grinding and better stuff

everyone has an axe to grind. I have them. Just ask S. I hate the new Olympic swimmer bodysuits. I hate the gymnastics scoring. I loathe the Subway commercials that go on and on about how eating anywhere else makes you a fat slob that needs more deodorant...

Do you think Subway cares?

This is what I have to tell myself. When you start a business, especially a small, grassroots one, you don't expect those people with axes to grind. You tell yourself that you've never done a thing to them, so what's the deal?

Well, hell, Nike's never done a thing to me, and I still hate their swimming unitard.

In better news, I'm on the (modified, as I'm not allergic to wheat) eating plan with S and L and even A, and my sugars are down from averaging 600-800 to 300 ish. In a week and a half, with no meds. I've also lost 6 pounds, and the puppies are halfway to being leash trained, which they were sadly lacking. I still have issues, for sure. I have a lot of unhealthy habits, but you know, I'm getting there.

At least I hope I am. Some days just seem tougher than others.

blargh

people who work in your yard before 9am ought to be shot

lord I'm tired

saw my brother off (yes, I drove him to the airport) this morning, at the ass crack of dawn.

Dad is doing really well. He's going to have one heck of a scar, and he tires easily, but he's doing great. Everyone seems kind of surprised, but I always remind the nurses that he didn't have a heart attack, they found his blockage through routine screenings. They ended up doing a quad bypass, not a triple, but he's still recovering nicely. The big thing seems to be his sugars, which have dropped like a hot rock, so he's backing off the diabetes meds for now, until he's eating more.

Me? Well, I'm very hormonal, which means I'm paranoid, whiny, and slow. I had my little breakdown last night while I was supposed to be sleeping, though, and today decided that there's no sense in bitching about all of my shit. It just annoys me and other folks.

My brother was very good with dad, and despite how I bitch, it was good to have him.

I did stop at the big W world for some retail therapy on the way home, and got an ugly pair of shoes that are insanely comfy, a new frying pan and a new electric kettle. This makes me happy, though I might have to go to the Cato later and get cute, cheap clothes

more about Disney

Those of you who know me well know I have terrible vertigo/motion sickness problems. So it was with great trepidation that I approached a theme park, even if by modern standards the rides are baby steps.

I did really well until Space Mountain. Space Mountain, y'all. Oh, the Matterhorn made me make great ughnnonono noises. Splash Mountain made us very wet, as they put me, S and L in the front of the log boat, and man, we made a big splash. Huge. Gravity loves us. we had to buy new clothes.

So, space mountain. Sick. Sicky sick queasy omg sick. The only response was to close my eyes and pray I wasn't going to hurl, while listening to everyone else go ooooh

Grins. Still, I rode every ride that S and L did, and I lived.

The carousel was still my speed ;)

dragging ass

and I have a ton of work to do

ALA went well, Disney was fab, and Tory T has the cutest pitbulls ever, and is very sweet when you fall down and shake her whole house because you're a gigantic dork

bruises for all!

I'll write more about my harrowing Disney fun when I have time

hugs!

L

off to ALA

at the butt crack of dawn tomorrow

Apple fritters make me 10 years old again, going to Food World, where there was a kid's discount card. We would get free cookies, and dad would get an apple fritter the size of his head. Mom's think was always chocolate covered doughnuts or cake ones.

I'm getting tired. Need a break.

ALA ought to be exhausting but cool

lalala

mash up

Some days, I think I ought to just go back to bed and hide from the world.

Some days it's hard to believe my eyes when I read stuff on the web

I know it shouldn't surprise me that people do what they do, and I also know that some major disappointments are the product of my own expectations of other people's behavior, which are destined to be a let down, but that makes it no easier to see what I perceive as a slight or an insult or just plain meanness

I'm trying to think of the good in a day where I've been up for less than 3 hours and had nothing, not one thing go right.

Okay, so maybe one thing. I have Miss Basset Hound Texas 2008 (no, not a real title) sleeping at my feet, letting me know she wants to be near me, that she loves me for more than just dog biscuits, and that I make her feel safe.

On a day where the nicest thing I can say about people is, well, at least they haven't poked me in the eye with a sharp stick in the actual, physical sense, then I turn to my dogs. At least they usually make me smile

In other news, I'm trying very hard not to grumble, and will just say that I can't wait to go see some real cowboys in Dallas weekend after this one. I'll have earned it after two grueling book expos. I need my fix, and TV isn't good enough

Argh. I'm all hormonal, which is why everything is all doom and gloom, and I know it. This doesn't mitigate the fact that I'm amazed at some folks, in that not happy way

Sighs

maybe I'll nap with the babies...

Kind of pooped

got a lot to do. Behind on everything, including promo.

need to do a BEA write up for the business blog, but informally? I think it went well.

Glad to have a weekend off, even if I can't believe it's already Wednesday.

I have a lot of word count to get in, as well as data entry from hell

someone send an extra pair of hands

speaking of hands, been watching X Files and Buffy marathons of late, and David Duchovny, James Marsters, Gillian Anderson, and Marc Blucas have very pretty hands. Sarah Michelle Gellar, while I quite like her, has UGLY hands. Seriously. Look at them sometime. I notice hands. I like men's generally, though, and rarely notice the girls' unless they're not attractive... Mine are kind of big and ham-like... ;)

Okay, back to work...

writing is arrogance

And anyone who doesn't think so is just kidding themselves. Why would anyone assume that another person wants to read their story, unless they have some high-falutin' confidence floating around somewhere?

This is what I remind myself when something happens in the writerly world that makes me shake my head and wonder if someone got concussed when I wasn't looking, and now has amnesia about the dirty little things that happen in the publishing world.

See, I never forget anything, and a lot of times I never forgive. If you screw me, I don't smile at you later. Maybe that's arrogance, too. Or maybe there are folks out there who are bigger souls than I am.

In other news, I finally get more bullriding this weekend. Just one night, but I'm so hungry for something that has nothing to do with business that I can hardly stand it. I need my quota of cowboys and leather and bulls.

I wish I had something personal to add for those folks who actually, you know, read this to keep up with me, but I am having my period, so I have terrible cramps, rage, and a lot of whine, so I'll keep it to myself. I just need to go watch my boys

need to get off my ass and get moving

have gotten a good deal of work done, but not enough

need to work on promo, fix errors and get ready for BEA and SAS etc

ack

lalala

home home home

yay

home

RT post will come on the TQ blog, but it was far better than expected. Yeah. Much. Good to see Jern and Bean, too. Really good.

I missed my baby puppies so much, and they grew and grew in just a week

I have so much to do I'm kind of scared, but it looks better than it did last week

the recent relative silence

Been busy

Been tired

been dreading Pittsburg, though mainly because I hate PA with a terrible passion. And because I know what will happen. Sigh. I'm tired. Tired of people who have had a good working relationship with us for years suddenly buying into the lies and bullying that are going around without once giving us the benefit of the doubt, without once asking. Because we're classy enough not to name names and make our own accusations. Because we simply refuse to sink to their level and call them out.

You can be sure there are a few people I can't wait to see at RT, just to kick them in the teeth and tell them to kiss my ass. The other people, well, I'm looking forward to seeing them.

This is why I haven't posted a lot. It's hard to find something positive to say. I really just want the whole con season to be over. I want to have people they tell me they love me without having to ask for it. I want more cowboys and less bullshit. I am not in the bullshit business, as someone's daddy says.

I'm just tired.

:p

cowboys and bullfighters and pick up men oh my

God, I needed Albuquerque.

In fact, I'm a little grumpy that I had to come home.

I know that's horrible. but I'm at the point of vapor lock, you know?


At any rate, there was Chris Shivers on the plane, and Chris Shivers riding 3 bulls, 2 for 90+ point rides. There was some completely appropriate Chris touching with other cowboys that made me think inappropriate thoughts. I actually blushed once. Damn.

There was Adriano, who walked right by me with a big old smile on his face

Wylie Peterson was back, and looking healthy, and while I don't find him hot, I adore his sense of humor and miss his face when he's not around

Shorty Gorham broke a bone in his back after he got slammed the first night, and we all need to think good thoughts for him. It's only supposed keep him out 4 weeks, but it's never good.

We got to meet Frank Newsome's wife in Old Town, and she's a lovely woman with a down home voice that we just instinctively understood.

There was corny dogs and green chile stuffed sopapillas and banana splits.

There were good rides, a couple of bad spills, and lots of chatting with other fans.

All in all, I had a blast with S, and didn't get near enough work done. But it was worth it!

Oh, and did I squee when Chris got on the plane? Yes. Yes I did

a dose of the good

we needed a dose of the good here at Chez TQ, so we made a traditional English roast supper for Easter. We did the Gordon Ramsay last supper version of roast and gravy and Yorkshire puddings, along with roasted potatoes like we had in a pub in London. Crispy outside, soft and fluffy on the inside.

The Yorkshire puddings came out! They needed to be done for maybe 2 more minutes, but we did it!

The potatoes were amazing. The roast was nummy. And we tried a new coconut cake that was very nice. Fluffy and light, though I think if we make it again, we'll do it in 2 pans and put whipped cream and coconut in between the layers. That will keep the coconut from drying out, instead of putting it on top.

Yeah, it was a good easter supper.

the last few days

Lord, lord, folks. What can I say?

How about migraine yesterday that means I lost my third straight day of work to something that doesn't deserve my time.

How about since I had to take so much med for the migraine, my kidneys are now rioting

I feel let down, some by myself and things that I let slip through the cracks, but also by others. I don't air my dirty laundry in public, but there are things I won't be able to get over. There are people in my life who I thought ought to know better, who have done irreparable harm, and I wish I could say I was a big enough person to get over it, but I'm not.

Not when my sugars are sitting at HI on my meter and my meter cuts off at 800. Not when I've seen the stuff I've seen. Not when I sat and cried on it all night a few nights ago and couldn't come up with a reason to keep trying.

All I can say is that's it's time to put on my big girl panties and suck it up, so I can get back to work and maybe go watch some bullriding.

y'all be good to yourselves and have a good weekend

so I lied

I went and bought a pack. It was just a case of one thing too many

some days you just want to hide in bed

then again, the day I let someone else tell me how to run my business is the day I start closing it down, so fuck 'em

What, I don't have to be professional here

If I didn't have a cigarette today, I'm good to go for a bit

The problem is that I really don't want to quit. I have to for my health. I have no doubt I will have to have a smoke at RT, because otherwise I will quite literally do something awful. Of course, if things continue on apace I won't have to, as the lawyer will be doing it for me. Speculation is one thing. Libel and slander are another.

I'll just get S to buy menthols. I don't like them enough to smoke more than a few

so, I figured it out

Food critic and super duper asshole at large, Alan Richman has summed up what it is about Yankees that makes me crazy and somewhat violent in his bile filled article about New Orleans:

"New Orleans has always been about food and music, with parades added to the mix. (In the North, where I come from, we like to think we’re about jobs and education, with sports thrown in.) Vulnerability goes along with loving the dinner table too much—think again of our old friends the French. It might sound harmless for a civilization to focus on food, but it’s enormously indulgent. Name a society that cherishes tasting menus and I’ll show you a people too portly to mount up and repel invaders."

(you can find the most amazingly insensitive article here: http://men.style.com/gq/features/full?id=content_5165 )

This is it, exactly. That sense of superiority. That fucking Puritan sense of entitlement. The idea that if you love life and love food and enjoy being who you are, you're stupid, ignorant, and less worthy.

Fuck that shit, and fuck him. How's that for succinct and articulate?

I just sat and cried

I had a moment of complete overwhelmed-ness last night. I just sat and cried, and thought, I can't so this. Thank God I have a fabulous support system, from the shepherd who needed huge nuggles this morning to the two bassets who loved on me to the business partner who said, "What can I do to help?"

Thank God for a good team ;) Go team Torquere

I know in relative terms, I'm lucky. I do

Sometimes I just get bogged down in the details.

running around madly

back from the carolinas. Saw my bro a couple times. I've missed him a lot, so it was fun to hang with him and D and the SIL. We went out to eat at a meat and three. This is a fascinating southern phenomenon I never encountered as a child, at least not named such. You get a meat and three sides for a set price, and there's usually a dizzying array of sides to pick your three from. Uhn. Then we went to this little dessert place about 15 miles out of downtown Columbia, and it was cute, had good cheesecake and better cappuccino.

On the way home, we flew into houston and stopped off at the stock show to see Tim McGraw.

Tim sounded and looked a little under the weather, which he apologized for, but he's still the hottest man on earth, and it was a fine, fine thing, especially when combined with rodeo.

We saw Tracy Lawrence this week, too, and he sounded just like him, classy, hit every note, and you can tell Tim toured with him when Tim was a wee hat act. He picked up a good bit from Tracy Lawrence.

I think people who travel ought to have more gratitude. I mean, if you can afford to go and do and see, then you're better off than 90% of the world. Stop bitching about the blueberries not being fresh in a mid-price Holiday Inn. You didn't like having to sit through the rodeo to see a concert? Don't buy tickets to a rodeo concert. Save your money and go somewhere else. Rodeos are cheaper for the entertainment, no doubt. I get that. But that also means you get an hour of songs and two hours of rodeo. That also means that if you were dumb enough to pay for floor seats, the acoustics will suck. The rodeo arenas are not made so the people down on the arena floor can hear the announcer.

They're made so the crowd up in the stands can...

It just makes me insane.

Sure, we all bitch about some stuff. I hate it when it rains on me when I'm trying to tourist, but I know it's inevitable, so I take a hat and an umbrella. I hate rude people who cut in line, but I try not to make a fuss, even if I do growl under my breath. The thing is, I get free drinks from bartenders and extra food from waitresses and tables from maitre'ds in restaurants that were full because I'm nice. I'm patient. And I have a great joy in the fact that I get to go and see.

Remember, it goes both ways. People are unlikely to be nice to you if you expect more than they can give. And then scream about it.

off to the carolinas

see y'all next tuesday!

boodles

hello hello

The rain went away, and it's a lovely, warm day out there. Thank God. If we had cooped up puppies one more day, I might have had a psychotic break with reality.

There's a lot to do, and I need to get going, but I feel better organized, and less panicky

Kind of

I have a lot to say about impatient folks, but I'm trying not to air that shit publicly anymore, so I'll just say aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

I should post

it's lunch time

I had a post all ready to go

at 3 am last night when I couldn't sleep

It was a post of suckitude, and I let it sit as a draft, not really knowing if I wanted to post it

clearly I didn't

I decided instead to focus on the good.

Paulo Crimber won Anaheim. It's about time my boy won somehting, and he did it even with taking a re-ride. There was a dog pile of Brazilians at the end. It made me happy

woo

running behind but seeing light

At least I hope so. We've been working on getting organized. Trying to get shit done. Some days it seems completely hopeless. Especially when the puppies are full of piss and vinegar. But sometimes I actually feel like I'm making progress. I'm behind on writing checks, but I have 1099s done. I'm behind on writing but caught up on editing for a few days. I have a daily folder that I check now, instead of a calendar that gets buried under all of my shit.

Oh, I still have the calendars. I love them.

I need to start getting the health shit in order, too. My sugars are off the charts. Blah

Tonight was Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz while working on filing and shit. I love those guys, I really do.

A got her chef stuff. Her chef jacket and hat and apron, her knives and her roll up. It made me think of D, and how I never got pictures and how I miss that kid and wonder how she is.

Sigh.

I was thinking a lot about my past lives yesterday, in fact. About my mom and how she'd love the puppies, and about how Matt was a good guy who got a raw deal and about Scott and the box of wine he used to bring to dinner parties. I don't regret any of what I've done in the last few years; I have family and friends, new and old, that help me through the day, and I'm happy as I've ever been. Sometimes, though, it's good to look back fondly on the people who shaped my life five, ten, even more years ago and wish them well, even if they aren't with me anymore.

incredibly frustrated

I hate tax time. Hate it with a fiery burning passion. This is the first year I've done it on quickbooks, and while it made some things easier, I (and the accountant) made some mistakes setting it up that didn't cost money, but cost me time in a big way. What's most frustrating it not actually waiting on people to get me their information, or running a gazillion reports or stuffing envelopes. What's frustrating is that I know I put it off because I dreaded it, and then I had to just get it done.

Other things have fallen by the wayside, though, and that makes me even more growly. I have so much catch up work to do that I'm cross-eyed, and if one more person emails me about where this or that is, I'm going to fall over in a paroxysm of rage, foaming at the mouth. I know it's my job, but tonight I don't feel like I can take much more.

The dogs don't want to go out in the cold, and the puppies have reverted to peeing by the back door...

I have deadlines that I can't possibly hit, because people have missed their deadlines, but I'm supposed to be nice and tell them that's okay. I'm kind of sick of having to be nice. Maybe I should just be a bitch and say, hey, I wouldn't be late if I didn't have to write 30,000 unexpected words...

I have to do laundry

sigh

the reason puppies are so cute when they sleep? Is so you don't kill them when they pee on the floor

everyone needs a basset hound

ack and shit

too much to do. not enough time. send help

I've been sick. As sick as I've been in years, really. I'm tired of it. I'm so over it. I just wish my body would get with the program. The phosphorescent goo stage of the flu is just lovely.

Little Debbie heart shaped cakes rock...

I need to get my shit together

ack

leans

It's a beautiful day out there. It's been viciously cold for Texas, we're talking 33 during the day (yeah yeah, y'all Yankees can laugh, but it never gets that cold) but today it's 75 and breezy.

It's been a day of ups and downs already. Got to talk to A, which was up. Dogs crazy, down. Taco Bell for lunch, and staying in the dietician's plan, up. Having terrible nightmares last night that linger? Bad.

I'm trying very hard to be positive. I am not a moron. I know that some folks think I am; it's clearly obvious. Or they think I am a nasty bitch who will deliberately screw them. I'm neither. I am forgetful, I admit. And sometimes scattered. Sometimes I'm obstinate, even. *g*

now I have to go write. That? That's an UP.